I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
