i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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