Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
