I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
