Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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