I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
