reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
