Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
