Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
