help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Drunk is a universal language darling
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
