I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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