i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
