i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
