you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
