My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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