the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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