my phone needs a breathalizer
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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