I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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