it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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