why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
