I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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