Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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