please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
