i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
