oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
