I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
