I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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