The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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