I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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