how can u be prego again
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
