Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
