they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
