You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
