Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
