Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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