you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
