Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You're a waste of cheezeits
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
