he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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