well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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