hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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