I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
