I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
