So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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