I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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