You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
