Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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