i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
