also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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