Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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