***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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