Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
